Blogging Molly

Blogging Molly in 2006

2005-12-29T17:39:00.000-05:00

Like most people, I have a few New Year's resolutions for 2006. Among the old-fashioned ideas such as trying to exercise more, or making the most of every day, I want to get back into the habit of blogging on a regular basis. So instead of trying to be funny all the time (since its hard, and I usually fail) I think I am just going to write about what enjoy the most -- music.

Blogging Molly will now be a great source for album and concert reviews, as well as random information about the bands I enjoy most. If something I feel is important comes up (band breakups, new album details, touring, etc) I will post it on here. I will also try to do a few interviews with bands that come into my area. Though being that my area is Kalamazoo, MI, I doubt many will. There will be the occasional mocking of bands I feel are terrible also. Don't' worry, I have a very strong musical palette. But for the most part, I will be focusing on lesser-known bands of the punk and indie rock styles.

To get this resolution in gear I am going to end 2005 with a standard Albums of the Year list.

Here's Blogging Molly's top 11:

1. Motion City Soundtrack -- Commit This To Memory

2. Nightmare of You -- s/t

3. System of a Down -- Mezmerize

4. Foo Fighters -- In Your Honor

5. Thrice -- Vhiessu

6. I Am The Avalanche -- s/t

7. Against Me! -- Searching For a Former Clarity

8. Death Cab For Cutie -- Plans

9. Boys Night Out -- Trainwreck

10. Vendetta Red -- Sisters of the Red Death

11. Suicide Machines -- War Profiteering is Killing us All

See 'yall in the New Year!

~B.M.~

Interview With Dave Kirchgessner -- lead singer of ska-punk band Mustard Plug

2005-11-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

"Masterpieces" came out recently and I was wondering what inspired that. Mustard Plug is obviously not breaking up or retiring, which is the case for most bands when releasing a greatest hits album.

We noticed a lot new kids coming to shows. And a lot of them were younger kids who hadn’t heard our music so they would ask us “which album they should buy“ or “which had the best songs on it.” So we decided to put out something to that effect. An idiot’s guide to Mustard plug.

How did you choose the songs for "Masterpieces"?

Well, we notice what kids get into and what they request to hear the most. We also just picked songs we really liked as a band. A lot of it is crowd and fan influenced, but we had the final say in the list.

So what's next with Mustard Plug? I know you're working on some new stuff, what can we expect and when?

We’re not necessarily going for a certain sound. We pretty much just write one song at time. And When we have 12 songs we are satisfied with we sort of just put out an album (laughs).

A lot of bands are getting political with their music lately. I guess one in particular with relevance to your style are the Suicide Machines. Do you see the upcoming material as becoming more political or socially conscious?

Some of the songs have been political or socially conscious, but I don’t really get too specific when I write that sort of thing. They lyrics I write are more general. I personally have a hard time writing a song using specific examples without them becoming irrelevant in a few years. I find it to make more sense to be as broad as I can. We tend to make specific comments between songs at live shows depending on our moods for the night. This way we can be more timely and relevant.

What was it like working with Bill Stevenson and do you think you'll be working with him again?

Working with Bill was awesome. At first we were in awe of him, but after awhile it was just someone we were working with. He’s a really personable, interesting, and unique guy, who is very smart, but open minded as well. He always wants to try to new things. He asks a lot of questions and tried to approach things in a new way. One reason he wanted to work with us was because everyone who was approaching him wanted to sound like the Descendents. He had never even recorded a horn before us so it was a challenge for him and something he wanted to do. We got him to remix 4 songs for Masterpieces since we liked working with him so much. We self-produced our last album and it turned out ok, but we definitely liked the overall sound of Bill’s work better.

Did you ever catch flak for being part of the ska revival scene?

Not really. We never signed to a major label or got much play back then when some bands were cashing in, so I don‘t think we sold out at all. We were more along the lines of Reel Big Fish, we just got in a van and kept touring. When the fad sort of wore off, we just got ignored more than anything though and that’s what hurts the most.

I admire that you started doing ska when I was like 8 years old, and you still play it today through all the changing trends and fads, which are terrible right now, and pretty much always have been. Can you give me some sort of pop-culture rant?

As far as fashion, it seems we just regurgitate what happened 20 years ago without much change. There is no creativity involved, just recycled past trends. Pop music though may be at an all time low. You can’t really blame technology, but Pro Tools is hurting the music. Pop is especially terrible. You see like Britney Spears or whoever and it just seems like the person who dresses the sluttiest wins. It’s like the 1950’s when a producer creates someone, writes there music, etc, and they just go on stage and act. But I mean, people back then, like Frank Sinatra, at least he could sing.

But there is always good stuff out there, and now once you know what you like it is easy to find, just a point a click away.

What do you think about iPod's, do you own one? What's on it right now, or what newer bands have you been listening to lately?

I want an iPod, but I just haven’t gotten around to shelling out the 300 bucks for one. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had much time to listen to new music, so I listen to a lot of ska. We play with those types of bands, they send me demos. It’s not all I listen to, but one of the best bands doing ska right now are The Magnetics. They’re from Montreal and are like 80’s pop influenced almost, not your normal cliché ska. Also, Go Jimmy Go from Hawaii. They’re more traditional 60’s ska. I hear a lot of crap, so when I hear something with some originality being played by talented musicians its just great.

Any bands you haven’t played with that you’d like to?

The Pogues are reuniting, so that would be a dream of mine. No Doubt would be cool too. Not necessarily because I like them a ton, but because it would almost be like some weird science experiment to open for them.

Good old Club Soda. How many times have you played there? Any specific moments or shows that stick out in your mind?

We’ve played around 30 times I’d guess, we used to play it four times a year and we’ve played there for about 13 years.

Our bass player quit on stage there once, which was nuts. Also, we had a new drummer one time and the opening band who were friends of ours started taking his drum set away piece by piece on the last song. They would take a cymbal, then a tom, his snare etc, until he couldn’t even play anymore and was just sitting there on his stool. It made for a good laugh.

Being that you guys are from MI, how do shows in this state compare to those of others. I know for a lot of bands, their homecoming shows are always really crazy. How are they for you guys?

Michigan shows are definitely some of the best and most fun. It’s nice to see big crowds, and fans knowing the words. Midwest kids seem to be less jaded and more into the music too, which is welcomed.

Your music always makes me want to dance, but I have no idea how to. Got any tips?

I would say pay attention to the rhythm of the song. Sometimes kids just dance to a completely off rhythm and its pretty funny. Drum and bass, it’s all about that.

Finally, Western is playing Central the day of your show, they‘re tied for 2nd in the MAC so it‘s a pretty big game. Give me a winner and margin of victory.

I will take the Broncos by 50 points. I’m being optimistic.

I'm Going to Get Shit For This...

2005-11-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

The temperature got up to almost 70 today and Mr. Sun was out in full bloom. Although was out almost every day of the passing summer, I just sort of noticed something today, or I guess put 2 and 2 together, for the first time.

Girls are wearing huge, ridiculous sun glasses and I know why. These ocular lamp-shades are so gigantic that they make every girl look hot, and not because its 95 degrees out. They hide the most defining and unique part of the face. The part which gives people their individualistic look. The lower part of your face has no character. From a small distance lips, chins, and cheeks, they're basically all the same. But your cheek bones, nose, eyes, and forehead, these are important!

And ladies, you are hiding them! You are hiding the truth. I hate it.

I walk around campus, girls pass by, they have on their head hiders and they look like any pretty girl from Laguna Beach or the OC. Then, they take them off in class and it's another story entirely.

See Jack spot hotty. See Jane sport shades. See Jack become concerned. See Jane remove shades. See Jack run.

It's like a make-over gone wrong, a make-under if you will.

The thing that I despise most about this situation is that women have taken the power of our misguided appearance opinions and put it in their own hands. Guys like to go to the bar, get wasted, look at chicks, and admit that they are getting hotter because of their consumed booze. It's our thing. We love beer goggles! But now, by wearing these glasses, you have taken our figurative goggles, and literally put them on yourselves!

And we have to endure it, sober.

So guys, next time you take home that "looker" after a night of partying, flip the script a little. Instead of getting it all dark and pretending she's someone else, leave all the lights on, extra bright, and tell her to throw on a pair of those Ray Charles rims.

And when you're done, "hit the road, Jack."

Heaven Runs On Oil

2005-10-30T14:56:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK "Exxon Mobil and other energy companies have reported record profit for the third quarter on surging prices of oil and gasoline before and after the hurricanes struck the United States.

Exxon Mobil, the world's largest publicly traded oil company, reported on Thursday that profit rose 75 percent from a earlier, to $9.92 billion. Revenue rose 31.9 percent, to $100.7 billion.

Royal Dutch Shell said third-quarter profit rose 68 percent, to $9.03 billion. Revenue rose 6 percent, to $94.7 billion.

Marathon Oil reported third-quarter net income of $770 million, up from $222 million. Revenue jumped 40 percent, to $17.2 billion."

In short, gas prices could be lower. When oil companie's profits are rising, drastically, it's obvious that they are not raising prices out of necessity, but out of greed. The saddest thing is that many of the leaders and "respected" men of this country have connections to these companies, and are seeing more than a pretty penny for playing along. Just when I was starting to trust the word of so-called "experts" opinions about hight prices and our lack of options, I read this. Just fucking great.

To acknowledge the resurgence of the NHL, and a great band who I have been listening to lately named Propagandhi, I leave you with this, an excerpt from one of their songs.

"We're the Oilers and the World Bank is the Flames. And just 2 minutes remain in the 7th game of the best of 7 series. Jesus saves! Gretzky scores! The workers slave, the rich get more. One wrong move and we risk the cup. So play THE MAN, not the puck."

Fuck you Exxon, Fuck you Bush regime, Fuck people who drive Hummers.

Fashion Police

2005-10-26T11:06:00.000-04:00

Okay girls, I get it.

Pink and Sea Foam Green go together. But so does my finger and self-induced vomiting.

The temperatures are dropping, which means time for more Ugg Boots! Fuck yes! I love those things!!! (sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, and he just banged her)

Learn how to dress ladies, or you'll be confined to giving group blowjobs at Theta Chi. Us men are starting to catch on. Ass and titties only gets you so far. Re-read Cosmo or something, and while you're at it, look for hair tips. Bangs are not cute.

~Jon~

Constructive Criticism

2005-10-17T18:32:00.000-04:00

It shouldn't take an hour and 15 minutes to go to the movie store located five minutes from your house, but with construction, anything is possible -- except avoiding it.

On the way to the video store I noticed a long line of cars stopped on the road I normally use on my return trip. So thinking I was going to out smart the men in the neon vests, I decided to take an alternate route. Time -- 5:15 p.m.

Leaving the video store with my purchase, I got in my car and headed for the alternative route. I got about a quarter of a mile when I was stopped in a long line.

"What the fuck is going on?" I said to myself.

I figured there were just many more people waiting to turn right up ahead than straight or left, so I got in the left lane, bypassing them all, and planned to turn left, make a U-ey and proceed straight through the light on my desired path. Bad move.

When I got closer to the end of the line I noticed the "merge right" sign and more neon vested high school dropouts. There were about ten of them, one was brooming, the others were staring at the cars, probably looking for blondes in Saturns.

I knew no one would let me in the right lane, after pulling the unforgivable fast pass to the left, so I turned around and just figured I would take my normal route and bare the "wait" of construction's heavy burden.

This time as I neared my intersection light I was stuck in the right lane. Unbeknownst to me, there was more fucking construction ahead, and I was in the lane which I couldn't be in again. Last time I was forced to merge right, now I was forced to merge left. I just can't fucking beat these tar-hearted-son-of-a bitches.

Hoping for one last chance at outsmarting their bullshit procrastination (seriously, they had all summer to do this fucking work, when the 30,000 students would NOT be around) I took a right, knowing I could use a back way to work around the site and then just turn at a later road.

When I bypassed the work site and needed to turn back on to the main road I had just left, it was so congested that I couldn't even get into the lane going straight, to make a turn around and go right on the way back. I was forced to turn right at the light, sending me completely out of my way. I made the 15 minute detour only to arrive back at the road I would have normally taken. Then I waited there in line for 20 more minutes. Time -- 6:10 p.m.

In the future, if I see the neon vests, I am going to plan on merging into an overpass guard rail.

Heaven is never under construction.

Fox Off, Bill O'Reilly

2005-10-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

I've been watching some Fox News lately, ( if you can call it news) and it does a better job of pissing me off then it does of informing me, unless being informed of their rampant bigotry and bias counts.

Their "talkingest of all heads," Bill O'Reilly, seems to call a lot of his liberal leaning guests anti-American. I guess in the Bush era, anything to the left of homophobia, greed and scandal, is considered to be unpatriotic.

If O'Reilly told me that my actions or ideals were "anti-American," I think I would let him know he was way off the mark. After all, I shop at Wal-Mart from time to time, and feel as though McDonald's dollar menu is quite democratic.

Scotty Don't

2005-09-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

Hey Scott Kosten, my Stats 160 instructor, please, pretty please, p^ please, stop saying the word basically.

You say it way too much. So much in fact, that I started keeping tallies in my notes where your boring lectures should be. Let's see here, yeah, I have data of your redundancy from last week.

Monday you lectured for 43 minutes and said the word basically 36 times.

Tuesday you shortened your lecture to 38 minutes, but still managed to say basically 29 times.

By my calculations, the probability that you will say the word basically more times than I blink is (ok, let's see...independent events, no replacement, wilcoxin fit...) Mr. Kosten, its a fucking guarantee, baller!

Listen, you're a smart fellow, you know your stats, you're just so boring and repetitive in your approach to teaching that I would rather construct a tree diagram to find my chances of winning the lotto than pay close attention to your drivel.

But, I want to help you Kosty, I really do. I feel like we have made a teacher/student connection in a really dull, residual analysis sort of way. So, because I am an English minor, I will give you some alternatives for the word basically. Here goes:

Primarily, essentially, principally, intrinsically and fundamentally. There are probably more, but for now, this will do.

Scott-ster, to make a long story short, just mix it up yo! For example, pretend your choice of words are evenly dispersed on a 6-sided die. One of them is the word basically and the other 5 are the alternatives I have suggested. What is the probability that you will be less boring if you take my advice and roll the die every time you feel yourself reaching for that magic word?

Basically, its a fucking guarantee, baller.

Kanye West Proves Why He Is Indeed A "College Dropout"

2005-09-07T22:29:00.000-04:00

Kanye West at the NBC Concert for Hurricane Katrina Relief:

Mike Meyers reads off prompter … switches to black singer, Kanye West:

"I hate the way they portray us in the media.

"If you see a black family it says they are looting if you see a white family it says they are looking for food.

"And you know that it’s been 5 days because most of the people are black and even for me to complain … I would be a hypocrite because I would turn away from the TV because it’s too hard to watch. I’ve even been shopping before giving a donation and so right now I’m calling my business manager what is the biggest amount I can give.

"And just to imagine if I was down there, those are my people down there. So anybody out there who wants to help with the set up, the way that America is set up to help … The poor, the black people, the less well off as slow as possible. I mean, Red Cross is doing everything they can.

"We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war now fighting another way and they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us."

(Mike Meyers tries to get back on prompter, reads from script and then camera cuts back to Kanye. He pauses before

Kanye West: "George Bush doesn’t care about black people."

Then camera abruptly switches to Chris Tucker who is in another location.

Dear Kanye,

First off, this is probably the worst time to voice your own political beliefs, being as uniformed and pathetic as yours most certainly are. You can’t even put a sentence together.

I am not a Bush fan in any sense, but c'mon, this hurricane is not his fucking fault. Get over it. There are agencies in place to deal with these things, read the news.

Secondly, I am sick of celebrities running around acting like they are political scientists or something. At least learn to express yourself (without using other peoples ideas, like samples in all of your songs) before opening your stupid fucking mouth, which at this point, I wish was still wired shut.

Lastly, you were chosen because the public must have thought you would be a good person to reach out to all races of people and motivate them to donate money. Personally, you came off as a huge racist and bigot to me, and probably to a lot of others. It only takes one dumb asshole to ruin a large groups’ unselfish efforts in a time of need for so many of our citizens, (not just blacks) and you totally fucking ruined it.

If Jesus really does walk, I bet he would kick you squarely in the balls.

~Jon~

My Trip to Chicago

2005-08-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

Drunk and fat.

Figure it out, Baller

2005-08-12T21:14:00.000-04:00

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

2. I will then tell you what song reminds me of you.

3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.

4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.

7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

8. Then you will put this in your blog.

Send Blogging Molly Hate Mail to ENG 105 Care of Dan Baker

2005-08-02T20:22:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. I haven't updated in forever and even when I do, its guaranteed I won't be doing it again for another extended period of time (If he only knew that was a good thing) But its not my fault! It's English 105's fault.

Granted, the papers are not too hard, and only 4-6 pages in required length, but there is one due every god damn week it seems. I research, I plan, I write, I revise, I write, I plan, I cut myself, I write... (did he just say "I cut myself?" shit, Jon, stop listening to Mulligan). Then on the day the paper is due, I take a deep breath, because when I exhale, I am going to need to be telling the class what my topic and thesis is for my next paper. I research, I plan, I write, I revise.

Sometimes, when my eyes start to burn really badly, from staring at the monitor for 6 consecutive hours, I go get Chinese food, but that stuff never fills you up. (I think he's losing his mind)

I am on my last paper for the semester. After I turn that in I get to revise all previous papers to get them ready for "The Portfolio." This is the sacred English epitaph that inspires all followers to have improved from point A to point B. I usually write poorly on purpose in the beginning, then turn on the charm for the finished product; something I've been doing since 7th grade. I slack, I sleep, I drink, I write. (what a scumbag, why doesn't he apply himself for once)

Hey dick, I'll apply myself when I am damn well ready! (whaaaaat? you could hear me that whole time?)

Yeah.

(Weird)

Duh, It's A Guh!

2005-07-19T18:03:00.000-04:00

Guh (g-uh)
v. tr.

The exact definition of the term "guh" originates from the Scandinavian origin of the word "hug." To properly perform a guh, the participants must stand posterior to posterior, interlocking arms by stretching behind oneself and hooking at the elbows. Aside from their basic form, "guh's" can be personalized by their participants as they see fit.

The guh is a glorious display of affection, perfectly acceptable in all social situations, by esteemed institutions of the upmost regard. Studies have shown that a guh a day keeps the bad stuff away.

For those about to leave, we will miss you.

For those about to hug, we will "PF" you.

For those about to guh, we salute you!

(All information seen here is an excerpt from the "Retarded Things That Come Out of Marina's Mouth When and While She Drools" Dictionary....(and yes, the title is that long))

Coming in for the real thing,

Jon and Marina

Copyright 1999
All rights reserved, bitches.

Sing Along Forever

2005-07-16T12:44:00.000-04:00

I was driving to Dimondale (home) from Kalamazoo (school) the other day, playing my music too loud and singing my little heart out, when it hit me. "This is the answer to everybody's problems."

When I'm in my car alone, I am probably the most free spirited person alive. People pass by me on the highway while I am trying to match Chris Connely's tenor stylings on "Through Being Cool," and I know they are staring, wondering, and probably laughing hysterically at how hard I am actually singing to myself. But I keep right on doing it. Windows down in stopped traffic, on-ramps, off-ramps, parking lots, or fast food drive thrus, its all the same to me. It makes me happy.

There's probably nothing that, in the moment, makes me feel more at ease, or free and serene, than singing. And now that I can actually hit notes and am comfortable with my voice, it makes it that much more enjoyable.

So, the whole "answer to everyone's problems" thing, Jon, just what the hell were you talking about? Well, its simple really, for two big reasons. One, singing is a freeing experience. You are never more yourself than when you are singing your ass off. You are never more vulnerable, more oblivious to your surroundings, or more in touch with your soul. If we could all take that feeling, or concept and apply it to how we interact with others on a daily basis, the world would be a great place: caring, honest, humble.

Next, think about the last concert you've been to. Thousands of people all coming for a very similar reason. I go to a lot of punk rock shows and the crowds are pretty wild, but there is such a sense of community and centralized purpose at these shows. When one of the anthemic, hit songs spews from the stage and the vast majority of the crowd is singing every word, almost so loud that you can't hear the actual version of the song, it's a pretty enlightening experience. It's almost as if everyone in the audience is in his or her car, by themselves, belting out the same song, at the same time.

No matter how many times a sweaty kid with a mohawk elbows me in the head, or the kid who's a little too old and heavy to crowd surf needs to be assisted in his journey to the guard rail, I never become angry or out of touch with myself and the music, a tandem of dynamic proportions.

So please, keep singing. Sure, you may be getting laughed by the guy in the Chevy two ton pick up at the moment, but you can't bet your sweet ass when Toby Keith comes on the radio in ten minutes he'll be howling at the moon in no time, looking around to see if he's being watched.

Now, who's singing with me?

Have We Forgotten The Quief?

2005-07-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting on the bench in high school, laughing about quiefs. I was young then, probably 16, and had never actually seen, or I guess heard, a quief in action. I had just been informed about them from upper classmen. Pretty soon every kid in our school knew what a quief was. Everyone joined in on the usage of the term and the hilarity that never failed to ensue.

I don't know what brought it to my attention, but I haven't even heard anyone say the word quief in at least 4 years. What happened? I've since heard a quief in person on more than a few occasions, usually during or right after sex. But now that I am an experienced quief discusser, I have no one to discuss them with

So I've written a poem as a means to release (get it, release?) the pain I feel with every day that goes by in which no one mentions quiefs. It is called...

"A Subtle Breeze"

Quiefs, quiefs, everywhere
Quiefs, quiefs, you're nothing but air
Sometimes you smell and sometimes you don't
I will laugh at you when all others won't
Queifs, quiefs, the sisters of farts
Queifs, quiefs, oh why did we part?

Thank you, you're too kind. Now, don't just sit there and sob! Get out there and spread (get it, spread?) the word of........well, the word quief. We're back baby! Leave a comment for me and you will be automatically signed up for the Quief Street Team which guarantees you are cool and let's you help promote the quief in your hometown! DIY at it's finest.

If Duran Duran can make a comeback, why can't the quief? They're both funny sounding.

Wangsters

2005-07-01T13:39:00.000-04:00

Man, there arn't a whole lot of people I hate in this world, but I hate me some Wangsters. For those that do not know, Wangsters are "wanna be Gangsters." The weirdest thing about Wangsters is that they are usually white, come from a middle class family, and drive their Mom's Alero around town like its theirs, while they blast Eminem all fucking day. In other words, they have no business trying to be Gangsters, and they are NOT tough.

See, Gangsters are gangster because they really don't have a lot of other options left. No one wakes up in the morning and says "Damn man, fuck my oppurtunty to get an education and a REAL job, I want to be a motherfucking Gangster. And if I work EXTRA hard at selling drugs, kicking asses and pimping hos, I might, I just might, become a Gangsta."

But Wangsters are not Gangsta, shiiiit, they're not even Wangsta, they just pretend to be. Wangsters have oppurtunites and come from nice neighborhoods. They just have too many role models with a "Lil" before their name. They wear Fubu, walk with a limp, drink 40's and act tough.

If you walked a Wangster through the projects on the north side of Chicago he'd be running in no time, with no sign of a limp, and he would need a new pair of Fubu jeans pronto, extra baggy please.

The thing I hate most about Wagster's though, is the way they talk -- I call this their "blaccent". Listen up Wangsters, you're white, you're from Michigan, why do you sound like 50 Cent? When did this happen? I am positive it wasn't on accident, and there's NO way you came out of your mom, pimp slapped the nurse, and said, "Yo, Doc, whatchu got on my 40 homie?".

Eminem is a Wangster, Vanilla Ice...Wangster, that kid in your class, who calls you "dog" all the time, is a god damn Wangster, and if you read this, and now you're pissed, you're a fucking Wangster too, and you need to snap out of that shit.

Hate me some Wangsters...

Happy Father's Day

2005-06-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

I love you Dad, I hope all is well. Everything is fine here and at home. Enjoy your day!

Thinking of you always,

Jon

Why I Love Dave Grohl

2005-06-13T13:20:00.000-04:00

The Foo Fighters are pretty much the only good "rock" band left on the planet. Their new album is amazing and this song is pretty much the story of my life right now. The first time I heard it I almost cried and I am not a crier. And I'm not going to bother trying to be better than it with my own words.

Foo Fighters -- "Best Of You"

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Deep Throat?

2005-06-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

Last week, former FBI agent Mark Felt revealed that he was "Deep Throat", the anonymous source that helped break the Watergate scandal. Some people applauded him for his courage, some people wanted to throw rocks at his head. I just laughed at his code name.

Seriously, who the fuck named him "Deep Throat"? Was it a self-given name? Because everyone knows that anyone who comes up with their own nickname is a complete tool. And on top of that he would have had to say, "Hey, Deep Throat sounds pretty bad ass, I think I am going to name myself that!"

Mark, come on... Was "Butt Plug" taken? "Hot Karl" too risque? Maybe you wanted to be "Mark Felt Up Some Balls While He Swallowed A Throbbing Member Of The FBI", but it was too long, and a little obvious.

Or maybe you were the guy in the office no one liked. Like Farva on Super Troopers. And when the time came to give you a code name, the wise guy in the office thought "Deep Throat" was appropriate and you never caught on. Poor Mark.

See Mark train.

See Mark climb the FBI ranks.

See Mark rat.

See Mark deny.

See Mark cum clean...

See a lot of immature people snicker.

(Wo)men Are Pigs

2005-05-27T12:37:00.000-04:00

She called again last night. I think she was drunk and wanted to do it. But gosh darn it, I am not a piece of meat! I need to be romanced, taken out to dinner or a movie, have my hand held, back rubbed, new haircut complimented. I don't know what it is with women these days thinking they can just have sex with us anytime they want like they are doing us a favor or something.

Ok, ok, I fucked her... What's a man to do?

New Skin, Parenting, and the Magic Stick...

2005-05-25T10:39:00.000-04:00

Being in a college environment year round is tough. There's an opportunity to booze hard almost every night. There's also an opportunity to get laid almost every night, or for me, every time I am drunk and listening to R Kelly. Of course, this means there's also an opportunity to go to jail for getting laid.

I am 22 now, which may not seem too old, but I can definitely tell the difference between now and when I was say, 17. The biggest difference is my age is going up, but my tastes in a lot of things -- music, movies, food, and women -- are staying the same. Basically I am saying that 17 year old chicks -- and sometimes even younger ones -- are still fucking hot.

I call them new skin. New skin is a wonderful thing. Firm, soft, naive....?

I see it most on Myspace, which is crawling with hot ass 17 year olds who seem like they are just dying to get boned, hard.

This worries me about being a father. Will my potential daughter be on a computer when she's 17, chatting with some random dude like me, who is handsome, witty, and in a band? Because if she does, I will be torn.

One side of me will be irate, and concerned that my daughter would be putting herself in such a (cough, cough) position. But on the other hand, said dude is about to score some hot new skin and I respect that, even if it is my daughter, who will most certainly be hot, no question. Now, with that being said, if I choose to ignore parental duties and let said dude bone my daughter, I will feel as if I deserve some new skin myself. I will probably be roughly 44 at this point. So new skin to me will now be late 20's. And even as a 22 year old, there are a ton of older chicks that I would let see the Magic Stick in no time. This would probably lead to adultery and a whole heap of other problems, but it will also probably be a great fucking time.

If I truly did have a "magic stick" though, I would not merely show it to hot older women, I would use it to turn their old skin into new skin. Enough for all deserving men to enjoy. Wives, sisters, daughters, no "body" is safe. Because someone, somewhere, is older than you, and liking the view. Don't be a prude -- men this goes for you too -- if there's a 40 year old hotty at the bar and you're 22, show her the goods, remember, she's got "experience" and you're still young. Ladies, let's say you're 18 and at the club getting your freak on. Somebody's daddy shows up with a toothpick in his mouth, a gold chain, has his shirt unbuttoned, chest hair in full bloom and is hitting on you hard. Do NOT run away! Go do some tequila shots, man the fuck up, and treat him to a new skin buffet. If you're a little nervous, invite some friends to join, the more the merrier, trust me.

Abra Cadabra bitches!

Attention You Fat Rent-A-Cop Fucks:

2005-05-11T15:36:00.000-04:00

Today it rained very hard. I usually walk to class, it takes about twenty minutes. I don't own an umbrella. I was not going to sit in class soaked and be even more uncomfortable and annoyed than usual, so I decided to drive to campus for the first time all year. I found some meter parking and put in 6 quarters, yep that's right, six, and all it got me was an hour and a half. And that's the most you could put in at once. I was optimistic though. Knowing that my class is roughly three hours long, and roughly half way through class the professor gives us a 10 minute break, I decided I could use my break time to come back to my car and pay for the remaining hour and a half of class. I estimated my meter would run out at 12:40 pm and I would try to be out there right about then depending on the exact time the professor let us break.

We took our break at 12:43 and I headed to my car. When I got there at 12:46 there it was, a fucking ticket, with the time it was written (12:42) in the upper left, and the fine ($15.00) on the bottom right. That pencil pushing pig fucker wrote me a ticket two minutes after my meter expired and I was on my way, in a rush, to feed it more money. So fucking lame.

So be forewarned! If you are a piece of shit traffic code cop, that drives around in a god damn golf cart with a siren, I will fuck with you. I don't know how quite yet, but I do not mind spitting, urinating, or throwing anything on or around your means of transportation.

April Showers Bring May 33 Degree Temperatures?

2005-05-03T12:38:00.000-04:00

I am blaming the month of May for the following things:

1) The lack of the lack of clothes on chics around campus

2) Excess weight

3) Slipping back into "Winter Depression"

4) Fifty dollar bar tabs

5) Rhyming with Gay

6) Releasing Weezer, Fall Out Boy, and The Startling Line's new cd's all on the same day (today) and hence making me feel very old running for the Weezer copy while the 14 year old girls talk about how cute Kenny's (Starting Line's lead singer, who's younger and richer than me) new long hair is.

7) Making me feel like since I started numbering my gripes I must now get to the almighty 10 before I give up.

8) The Holocaust

9) Ruining Michael Jackson's good name, and old face.

10) phew, done...

There Ain't No Cure For The Summer Time Booze

2005-04-29T16:59:00.000-04:00

The weather may not indicate it, but summer is here, at least in a college student sense. My summer classes start Monday and with any luck I will find a job sometime soon. But until then I will reinvent reasons to get completely shit faced on random weekdays. Being in a band does not help matters. It seems that almost every practice ends with someone saying "Who wants to grab a beer at ____." A beer is a dangerous thing in the hands of a rabid booze hound. One beer turns into ten real fast, and is usually accompanied by a pack of Marlboro lights, some Yager Bombs, and a fatty with a cute smile.

Everyday I get close to cashing in the chips and heading for the Betty Ford Clinic. Maybe I can get Robert Downey Jr.'s autograph.

I need a pick me up...

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

2005-04-23T20:56:00.000-04:00

My roommate moved out today, back to his hometown to work at the very place I met him. We always had a lot of fun at work and decided to live together since we were both going to the same college -- him for work on his Masters and me coming in from a transfer. I initially wondered if this would hinder our friendship, having to be around each other all of the time, in very close proximity of one another. It didn't take very long to realize that a similar scenario was not going to play out.

I enjoyed all of the time we spent living under the same roof. Our unspoken house chore duties, Real World TV nights, Wendy's triples, rocking out to old school pop songs, him putting up with my pot smoking, and always having someone there to talk into going out to the bar on a Wednesday night when you have class the next morning at nine will not be forgotten. He was a lot more than just a guy to get "tra" with though. Anytime I had a question about, well anything, he always seemed to have a good answer. When I started to feel like slacking off in my classes, I would see him getting A's on papers five times harder and longer than anything I've ever had to write, and it made me realize I needed suck it up and study. When I got out of a pretty long relationship during the beginning of the year and I was a complete mess, he was always there giving me good advice, and I felt comfortable telling him everything. And I pretty much did.

One of the best things about living with someone for a year is seeing them grow and develop into the person they will be in the future. I liked seeing my roommate meet a sweet, adorable girl, after being on "dry dock" as he liked to call it, for quite some time. I looked forward to him coming home from his classes at 9:30pm and rant about his hardcore professor. Or seeing him act as if it was the end of the world anytime something stressful, random, or weird happened. I really enjoyed this year of school and all it represented for me. Most of all though I like feeling that I've made a best friend for life, and that he's made an impact on my mine.

Have a good summer Meeds...

Asterisk Officially Tired Of Being The Bearer Of Bad News*

2005-04-15T13:52:00.000-04:00

For decades, the Asterisk -- a cornerstone of English punctuation -- has time and time again faithfully served the information hungry masses without a single complaint. But today in a surprise press conference, the Asterisk has announced that it is tired of being the bearer of bad news, and will not use his powers for evil any longer.

"It's just really hard to look myself in the mirror anymore," confessed Asterisk.

"At first it seemed sort of funny, in a April fools kind of way, but now I just feel dirty, and stricken with guilt. I have been taking a lot of heat lately from the public for my shameless trickery. And why shouldn't I? No one wants to drive all the way to their nearest car dealership for the Spring Cleaning 20% Off Sale, only to find out the discount applied only to cars having over 100,000 miles. From now on, I am bringing only joy and cheer to the American public*."

* psych! go fuck yourselves

Britney Spears In Five Words

2005-04-11T18:38:00.000-04:00

Kevin wakes up to this?

No News Is GOOD News

2005-04-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

		I turned on the news the other night for a change. I hadn't watched it in awhile and felt I must have been missing out on the excitement of the world around me. Boy, was I wrong. The telecasted schedule went something like this: Terry Shaivo The Pope Shootings Commercial Iraq The Pope Weather Car accident Terry Shaivo Commercial The Pope's last prayor as a living man went out to Terry Shaivo Sports Iraq The Pope ~The End~

Dear Italian Cardinals,

2005-04-06T13:13:00.000-04:00

I've been watching the news lately so I've become aware of the situation you've been put in with selecting a new Pope for the people. And let me just say that all of the grueling prayer, reflection, discussion and chapel confinement are no longer necessary. For I, Jonathan Paul Callender II, upon waking up and wanting something funny to blog about, have decided to run for pope.

"Mr. Callender, you can't just RUN for pope."

Who was that? Anyway, loyal Cardinals, let panic and worry throughout the Vatican be forgotten, gather at the Sistine Chapel and cast your 2/3 majority ballots for Pope Jonathan Paul Callender II.

I am quite qualified to be your spiritual leader. For starters I have a kickass pope name. There's a Paul in there, and a II. Is there a better way to show respect for your last and beloved pope? I didn't think so.

I am not in any way, shape, or form, Italian. This way you can keep that whole new trend going. I do enjoy Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed Ravioli with a side of garlic bread from time to time though, proving I know and embrace your roots.

I never get laid, so the whole celibacy thing will be a breeze.

I may not be a Cardinal, an archbishop, or even one of over a billion baptized Catholics, but I take the Lord's name in vain ALL the time.

I will address all the big issues a pope should. Like our threatened environment, our growing poverty in a world of affluence, the plague of drug abuse reflecting deep despair, the need to resolve conflicts within nations when the temptation to use violence has the potential of destroying our planet, and the selection of the next American Idol.

So, Italian Cardinals, why keep debating, deliberating, and disorienting yourselves with deep concentration, meditation and prayer, when The Answer is sitting in his low income college housing, on an out of date Compaq, trying to be funny? Don't be "scurred" men of the cloth. Cast your ballots for Jonathan Paul Callender II, the best fucking pope the world will ever see.

Sincerely,

The New Guy

The Devil... and my Geos 312 Map Project

2005-04-05T12:36:00.000-04:00

A little over a month ago I purchased the map for my Geos 312 project (yes, I had to fucking BUY it) from the Devil for ten dollars. I guess I couldn't expect any less form the prince of Hell himself. The map sat in the corner of my room for weeks until I eventually busted it out to start a process I had absolutely no idea would be so arduous, frusterating, and corrupted by the root of all evil.

To complete this project I had to identify roughly eighty national parks and monuments on a topographical map the size of a large poster, if not a little bigger. To do this I would use little yellow stickers the size of thumb tacks. I was given a key of all the places I needed to find, and their rough location on a smaller standard map of the United Sates. After these places were identified -- a handful were not on the small map and I had to find other means of identifying their location-- I was to outline the twenty two physiographic provinces of the United States. What, you've never heard of the famous physiographic provinces of the United States? Don't worry, apparently neither has Google. I couldn't find a single site with a good map of these provinces that I could use to aid me in outlining them for my project. What was I going to do?

After thinking for awhile I decided to kind of just figure out which dots go in which provinces and do my best at free handing a reasonable boundary. To identify each boundary as its own I was going to need to make them stand out with thick boarders, and colored centers.

Trip 1 to Walgreens for 64 pack of Crayola crayons and Sharpie markers.

I then outlined my pencil sketches with the permanent marker and colored in about half the regions -- mostly the west coast-- with the crayons, it was looking damn fine. I took a break from the coloring to hand write a key at the bottom of the map. "Wasn't there already a key provided?" you ask. Yes, there was, but the Devil is a picky fucker, so I hand wrote over a hundred names -- all the parks, monuments and provinces -- and numbers on the bottom of my map to appease him.

The next day in class we had a "Map Help Session". When I saw an example of a perfect map I came to the realization that mine was almost completely imperfect. I cursed the devil and all of his cartographing smugness.

Trip 2 to Walgreens for large bottle of White Out and even larger gummy eraser.

The east coast of my map, which consisted at the time of mostly just the poorly located region boarders, was a pretty easy fix, and once I redirected the lines and colored over them they weren't very noticeable mistakes. The west coast on the other hand, was completely fucked.
I had colored quite hard, in pretty bold, dark colors, regions that didn't even exist as far as the Devil was concerned. Ironically, the literal location of this area was the Badlands. I couldn't help but laugh at my troubles.

It was at about this time I decided to tidy up my room and found a piece of paper that must have come with my map and was strewn away in my haste. It had all the physiographic provinces labeled and drawn out pretty nicely on a small map of the United States.....Hail Satan.

I sat for almost an hour trying to dream up a scheme to redirect these lines and color over the existing colors with darker ones. Unable to outsmart the Devil I blistered my hands erasing the shit out of the "Middle Rockies." It's still not perfect, and probably never will be, but I will be happy with a grade of B. Oh wait, the directions stipulate that if the map is not perfect the Devil will hand it back with a "see me" note on it, and I will have to fix the problem and resubmit until he is happy. Well, sorry Devil, but I have other plans in mind.

Trip 3 to Walgreens for can of lighter fluid and box of Ohio Blue Tip matches.

The Flu Is Totally Not Awesome

2005-03-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

Beer, sex, Family Guy, punk rock, Tom Selick's mustache....?

Yep, they're all awesome. Having the flu on the other hand, totally not awesome. The worst thing about the flu is, well, EVERYTHING.

I've got a headache, fever, sore throat from Hell, cough, aching body, shitty taste in my mouth and no appetite whatsoever. I can't fall asleep even though I am totally exhausted, and when I finally do catch some shut eye I wake up feeling even worse.

I probably should have went to the doctor a few days ago at the first notice of symptoms, but for some reason I figured I could just ride this thing out, and you know, hope for the best. Well, let's just say that was THE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDEA I'VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!

Now I am a walking medicine cabinet. I can't go for much more than two hours without a handful of Motrin, Tylenol Flu, and Vick's Throat Drops. I've drank more Gatorade in the last three days than Michael Jordan has in his entire life.

And now, under the influence of some heavy sleep aided pills, I believe I've figured out why Kurt Cobain is dead. It wasn't because of his hatred towards being in the public eye at all times. It wasn't because Courtney murdered him. It wasn't even due to his heroin habit spinning completely out of control. It was because he had the flu, and got tired of coughing.

It's probably a good thing I don't own a shotgun.

~Jon~

Old Navy "Bermuda" Shorts Perfect For Casual Beachwear And All Other Douchebagery

2005-03-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

Old Navy's new Bermuda shorts are the latest in a long line of cutting edge trendy bullshit, by a company renowned for its consistently tacky products. We've seen tacky vests, fleeces, capri's, leg warmers, generic sweaters, and now this. I'm at a loss for words, almost.

Kelly Putnam, Creative Design executive for Old Navy said the idea for the shorts, "spawned from a realization that just about any product we put on TV with pretty actors and a catchy theme song will sell nowadays."

After throwing up in my mouth a little bit, I asked her what else they had in mind for the rest of the summer season.

"Well, we're thinking of bringing back spandex," Putnam smugly stated. "Since we're not very creative people here at Old Navy, we have to resort to dipping back into the idea jars of yesteryear and hope we can fool American shoppers into falling for a lame fad one more time."

I couldn't help but think, aren't there any intelligent, self-respecting people out there who can see through this Bermuda bullshit?

"Not really..." Putnam said, reading my mind. "With all the cheesy accessories to go a long with our Bermuda shorts (See picture of model with stupid-ass bucket hat) there's really no chance for failure. See, we call this the "Bermuda Triangle." Once you've bought the shorts you're completely sucked into buying all the really annoying shirts, hats, flip flops and sunglasses that complete the ultimate douche bag look."

Wow, I never knew there was this much theory related to such ugly clothing.

"Haven't you ever been to Bananna Republic?" Putnam joked.

No, I can' t say that I have, but I bet they have a killer selection of wrinkle free, stain resistant khaki pants.

Ashlee Simpson In Five Words...

2005-03-28T20:12:00.000-05:00

Stupid Pictures By James Volume 3

2005-03-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

James proves pimping is a lot easier than you think.

Why Does Everyone Laugh When I Tell Them I'm Straight?

2005-03-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

It's seems to be too common of an occurrence lately. It's honestly getting quite annoying. I mean, I can tell people are trying to be nice and accepting of homosexuality these days, so they try to "let me know they know" my sexual orientation. But let's just say, they're like totally soooooo far off the mark! And when I try to tell them not to worry, that it's ok because I'm straight, they just laugh. Why does this keep happening?

Just because I tan year round, wax my entire body, carry a purse, get manicures/pedicures weekly, and work for Versace's fashion design team, does not mean I'm gay!

I know you're thinking, "Dude, you're wearing a fucking red thong and nothing else." Yeah yeah, I know, but they're like, totally comfy! And my roommate Greg liked it soooooo much he took this picture of me doing my best Richard Simmons impression in it, and then we took a shower together, he's such a nice guy. Speaking of nice guys, I am totally addicted to Clay Aiken's Christmas album! You're right, it is the middle of March, but the thing never gets old! If I ever see him in public I am going to walk right up to him and say, "Clay, I love your music, it's absolutely (snapping) fab-u-lous!" And then I am going to kiss him with an open mouth. If that doesn't prove to the world that I'm not gay, that I'm just comfortable with my masculinity, then hunny, I don't know what will!

"I Believe In Making You Believe In Jesus"

2005-03-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

Knock, Knock... Who's There?

It's me, Bible Thumping Bill, and I have a pamphlet that says you should believe in the exact same things that I do.

I am carrying the word straight from God, and He's here to dispel a few rumors that He's noticed have been circling around lately.

1.) There most certainly is a Heaven and Hell and if you do any of the following things you will end up in the latter of the two:

Drink, smoke, have pre-marital sex, eat fast-food, vote for John Kerry, swear, kiss men, watch men kiss, use drugs, kiss men on drugs, etc.

2.) If you are not of Christian faith you WILL burn in Hell for your sins.

This means Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Islamics, Agnostics, Atheists, Shintos, and all you other weird asses are heading straight for a fiery afterlife of uppermost regret.

3.) And this may be the biggest one:

If you are a faggot, you're going to Hell, there's just no way around it. You can't be a Christian and a faggot, so don't think that you can butter Me up with faithful service. It's better to live a lie than act on your natural feelings, or to have any sort of fun for that matter. I mean this is a pretty obvious rule, just look at the Book of Moses, somewhere near the front, "And God said, Damn you dirty Fags, with your tight pants, slurred (s)'s, make over shows, and hot chic best friends, you all are dirty sinners and will burn eternally in the deepest depths of Hell with Satan, who is also a greasy meat-eating faggot."

4) That reminds me, eating meat of any kind is a sin.

Well, I couldn't have said it any better myself. Thanks for your time, and hopefully I'll see you on Sunday, bring your checkbook!!!

~Bill~

"I'll Take You To The Candy Shop, I'll Be On MTV Non-Stop"

2005-03-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Fifty,

What happened? You used to have street cred, you used to be underground. Your songs used to be fierce, fiery, flagrant. You talked about selling drugs, pimping hoes, and being filled with bullets like it was an everyday thing. Now the only bullets you’re concerned with are the ones to the left of your billboard chart topping hits.

Are you going soft? All these sing along choruses are starting to worry me, Fifty. Just last year you were grilling Ja Rule for making songs for little girls, for selling out, and being a “fake ass gangsta.” But now you’re going out of your way to get your “lollipop licked?”

I guess I’m just confused, Fifty. One minute you’re in the hood, the next you’re “in the club.” One day you’re G-Unit, the next you’re G-Rated.

I can’t turn on MTV without seeing your face, or hearing your new song “Candy Shop.” It’s all over TRL. It’s all over the radio. It’s just, well, all over…

Stop Frontin’,

~Jon~

Fuck St. Patrick, Let's Get Shitfaced!

2005-03-16T14:21:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, the day when St. Patrick himself, well he, uh.....fuck St. Patrick, let's get shitfaced!

I mean, I don't have time to actually know what a holiday stands for when I have to wake up at 7am, eat Lucky Charms, throw on my hella funny "Kiss Me, I'm Drunk" t-shirt I got from Hot Topic, and start pounding green beer. Or maybe I'll have a Guinness. It tastes like shit, but boy does it make me look cool, and sometimes even tough.

This St. Patty's Day I am going to be the party animal all my friends say I am, and drink all day, non-stop, except to eat potatoes, and put in my Dropkick Murphy's CD when my Flogging Molly CD stops.

This St. Patty's Day I am going to start a fight at the bar with someone half my size, cuz he was giving me a weird look when I bit the neck off of a bottle of beer and flashed him the "westside" sign. I mean, mind your own fucking business, I'm just trying to have a few brews with my bros.

This St. Patty's Day I am going to be the life of the party. All my friends will hardly be able to contain their laughter as I quote Napoleon Dynamite relentlessly in between attempts to impress the waitress with my awesome fake Irish accent. And all the people that don't even know me will think I am sweet, cuz I drink so much, am so loud, and so hilarious.

And when I wake up the next morning, I am going to brag about how much I drank, and ask everyone if they remember when I said "I caught you a delicious Bass, Ale" to the hot chic that said I could buy her a drink, so that they will be forced to laugh again at my old joke and tell me how funny it was. Fuck yeah...

Blow The Dice [Man] For Good Luck

2005-03-15T17:22:00.000-05:00

I've been noticing lately that because the Dice Man isn't currently doing his thing on stage or the big screen, that its been a lot harder for him to get the ladies. I mean, c'mon, I'm a good looking guy, I've got charisma, a three pack a day habit, and a sweet-ass leather jacket. So basically, I'm standing in the f-in mirror over here saying "Hey, what the hell is wrong with ladies these days?"

How abouts I tell ya a little joke, the ladies like guys with a sense of humor, do they not?

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
eating her curds and way.
Along came a spider,
sat down besider her
and said, "What's in the bowl bitch!" Booya!

If that doesn't get me some action I don't know what will. So--broads, dames, babes, beotches, whatever you liked to be called these days-- pretend this is Vegas and blow the Dice Man for good luck! I'm sick of paying for the pussy.

~Dice~

2005-03-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

Today I was informed by MTV executives that I will appear on their next season of Real World entitled, "Real World Kalamazoo, You'll Never Escape the Drama." Well, I guess if you have to put up with pre-school bullshit, you might as well get to be on television.

Hopefully I'll be cast as the token black guy...

~Jon~

"I'm hittin switches on bitches like I been fixed with hydraulics"

2005-03-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

Who the funk duz dis James fellow think he is? R. Kelly's my boy! Well, he's not really MY boy, but I know some peoples, that know some peoples that used to be next to his peoples......."thug life till I day!" Which could be pretty soon in hood years, shits hot on the bloc these days.

"William, your french toast is getting cold!"

Moms, shit, I told you to call me Whitey in front of my friends! Damn, B.

Well I better get going, I'm starved as a mother.

G's up, Hoe's down,

~Whitey~

Note To Self : Move to Chicago

2005-03-12T15:47:00.000-05:00

Hey kiddies! Lately I've been pretty busy living it up "college style" or in other words, binge drinking and eating take out. But, today is Saturday so I have no class, and no homework requiring immediate attention, plus I have been told that I need to do more posting because the new characters are just not the same as good ol' me. Thanks for the pep talks! Onward march...

I went to see my sis a few weeks back in what I like to call, The City of Wind, aka Chicago. I've had a fascination with this city since I was young and went there with my parents to visit relatives. But now that I am 21 I have a totally new perspective on the place.

There's a ton of hot ass there! There's a ton of awesome stores, a ton of cool bars, the best fucking pizza I've ever eaten in my life, and my favorite baseball team also resides there. Go Cubs!

Anyway, if I hadn't already transferred once I would probably be requesting my transcripts right about now.

The city life is definitely for me. I love feeling like a tiny, unnoticed part of a larger picture. I like the fast pace of life in the city, the beautiful buildings that tower over the streets. I love watching people. I even like the dirty ass subway, and the possibility of being mugged, honestly, it's kind of exciting. I like taxis and scenesters, and The Metro.

I like thinking I am far away from everything I know, but yet close enough to visit just about anytime I would like. I like being close to my sister, and my Uncle Bill, who's also my Godfather and just an amazing guy.

I thought maybe moving to Kalamazoo from Mt.Pleasant would give me a more city-ish feel, and it sort of has, but after visiting Chi-town, its been put to shame. I am ADD when it comes to life basically, I need you Chicago, I just have to graduate first. Hopefully you will still be there in six years...

~Jon~

Stupid Pictures By James Vol 2

2005-03-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

James as R. Kelly

I Have A Small Penis

2005-03-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

Lieutenant "Roger That" reporting for duty, Sir.

I am, at this very moment, reaming the depths of a gorilla revolt in Iraq, which is getting so hostile, so intense, that I barely had enough time to pose for my ridiculous picture. But regardless, someone needs to keep America informed of the great dangers these "people" present via they're beliefs, that we constantly encroach with our own. And I can't help but notice that stupid picture by James. That is exactly the kind of anti-American propaganda that is running this country into the ground, where we're hoping to find a shitload of oil. Yeehaw! Anyway, I will be posting updates on our steadfast battle against terror as best I can. When I'm not, you know, completely submerged in trench warfare, or thumbing through the newest issue of Maxim.

At ease soldiers,

~Roger That~

Stupid Pictures By James Vol. 1

2005-03-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

Updates

2005-03-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

As you can see, blogging molly is quickly expanding and preparing to dominate all competitors in the blogging universe. New guest writers are appearing every day, which I love, and the response has been very positive. Let's keep it going!

Just when you think it can't possibly get any better, I have added a new feature to my "side bar" titled "Stupid Pictures By James." James is a kid I know who takes pictures and alters them in paintbrush on his computer, they are pretty shitty, but make me laugh ridiculously hard every time I see them. Hopefully you will also find them as funny as me, because I have a feeling you will be seeing a lot of them, as soon as they are finished.

~Jon~

"Even as a crack fiend, Mama, you always was a black queen, Mama."

2005-03-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

Hey ballers,

Mad props 'fo da blog J-Cizzle, the shits off the heezy. And as you can see, I know what's hot on the streets. For example, XXXL Throwback Starter Jersey's, bottom lip biting, and 8 Karat Gold Chains from those little carts in the middle of mall aisles. I'm here to school you to what's poppin in the projects, and I might even quote Tupac for no apparent reason.

Holla at 'cha boy!

~Whitey~

Why Hello There

2005-03-07T14:57:00.000-05:00

Jon, I must say, I love your blog. Bloggity Blog Blog. I read it with my eyes, neurons carried the humor to my brain, where it was absorbed, almost entirely, and I began to laugh.

I love it almost as much as my friend Baxter here, "Woof Woof." Oh Baxter, be nice. If you can't stand to say something good, then just get right on out of that hot kitchen. How many times must I tell you?

Well, Veronica is on her way over. I better start sculpting the guns so that she catches me in the middle of my sweat-fest, and gets impressed.

When in Rome,

Ron Burgundy

The Dice Man Cometh

2005-03-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

Yo, pencil neck! I see that you have used the Dice Man's image on your faggity little "blog" here, without his permission. Well, if this was 15 years ago I'd have your ass sued, but times they are a changin' and I could use some publicity. That being said, I've decided to become an active member in your queer, San Francisco wanna-be, man purse, community thingy here. I don't have much else to do these days so you'll prolly be seeing a lot of me and for good reason. All this time off has given me the inspiration to start writing new material.

Check this out:

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I was banging some broad in the back of my car.
She cried out "Dice, will you pleeeease be mine."
So I rolled her over and stuck it in her ass! Booya!

Ok so it needs a little work, but as you can see I'm back in business baby! 2005, the year of the Dice Man!

Important News Regarding The Future Of Blogging Molly

2005-03-07T11:32:00.000-05:00

Starting today Blogging Molly is welcoming all interested "guest writers" to its friendly family of nerds. What does it take to be an active part of this sacred community? Well, just write about things that are on your mind. They can be gripes, perspectives, opinions, compliments, etc.

Just make sure to post your picture and name, so to not be confused with Blogging Molly himself, who is too busy being stoned, lying around the apartment, watching Aqua Teen DVD's and eating frozen pizzas, to keep this thing updated enough to "feed the masses."

Let the Randomness Begin!

~Jon~

Spring Break Is So Twelve Months Ago

2005-02-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

I've never been a big "Spring Breaker." I've only traveled somewhere once during this pinnacle of partying pleasure. I went to Arizona to visit my buddy Johnny. We drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of Jack in the Box. We also met celebrities and played golf, it was a good time, my style for sure.

So lately everyone's been asking me, "What are you doing for Spring Break?" And I just say "nothing", or "hanging out at home." Interesting, right? Not really. I might go to Chicago and visit my sis, hit up some bars, maybe try to catch a concert. But let me tell you what I won't be doing on Spring Break:

1) I won't be lying out in the sun on a beach, rubbing oil on myself, or anyone else for that matter. I am Irish, which means I am very pale and sensitive to the sun in a weird, vampire way. I don't like getting burnt, which I always do, and I don't have the best "beach bod" in the world. I would probably be the only dude on the beach in a t-shirt, afraid to go in the ocean because I've seen Jaws one too many times. This is a good thing. No one wants to see Casper The Fatty Ghost running along the shoreline shirt-less, trying to be Hasselhoff.

2) I won't be binge drinking for an entire week, getting no sleep, and sleeping five deep at a cheap hotel in Tijuana either. I like America, I like my bed, I like it without drunk dudes in it, I also like lots of sleep and clean water. And for some reason, I really don't like Tequila, diarrhea, or gonorrea. Which brings me to my next and last gripe...

3) I won't be taking home random women I see dancing in a cage half-naked, with a fifth in one hand, menthol in the other, letting dudes line up and do body shots off her. Why? Well, I like my penis, and it likes me, and I would like to further our relationship safely, without lesions, lice, or firery piss. Girls Gone Wild = fun (titties never hurt anyone) but Penis Gone...well, just gone, is the opposite of fun in every sense.

And I most definitely won't be having any of that...

Letter From My Liver

2005-02-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Jon,

I hate you.

P.S. I know you want to hear why, but I'm a fucking liver for Christ sakes and cannot just "hop out of your body" anytime its convenient, to save you from slipping into alcoholic servitude.

~Liver~

Hooked On Ebonics

2005-02-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, everyone wants to be cool. And today you can't be cool if you sound like a white man. So I gave in and ordered Hooked On Ebonics instructional tapes from a commercial I saw on the WB. After hours of intense studying and recitation, I took my first unit test. The test consisted of using select words in a sentence they would make sense in. It was hard, but I can only get better, right?

Fascinate -- My sister got a brand new dress for her birthday, it had ten buttons, but her titties are so damn big she could only fascinate.

Hereditary -- My friend Terry got arrested for possession yesterday. First the officer put Terry in the back of his car, then hereditary his rights.

Seldom -- Terry threw me his gold chains before he got taken away by the police, I seldom before he got out.

Disable -- Someone axed me if I liked the rap group Kane and Abel, and I said naw, I don't like Kane, disable.

Socialize -- Terry was going to rob a bank and I was his get-away driver. When he said "alright, I'm going in." I said, "socialize just wait here?"

Miscarry -- I voted for Senator John Kerry, cuz miscarry got ass.

Odyssey -- Shit Terry, you odyssey the rims on dat caddy, still spinnin.

An Elitists Guide To Music -- Volume I

2005-02-15T18:25:00.000-05:00

Being an avid music listener, I often find myself on the cutting edge of the up and coming scenes. I've liked most of the bands that are finally starting to get respect (Green Day for example) for over a decade. My past year of music was spent mostly dwelling on the past, since there weren't any new bands coming out that I thought were worth a shit, with the exception of Billy Talent.

On the other hand, today I find myself sitting at my computer listening to some free MP3's from www. purevolume.com and I can honestly say I am excited for the coming year of music. I am going to give you a heads-up on a few bands I am now addicted to, because pretty soon every top 40 fan in America will be playing their new albums saying, "this is totally in my top five of all time," and you don't want to be part of this crowd, do you? Didn't think so. I swear, if I hear one more metro-male with a closest crush on John Mayer say "Oh, you like Green Day too man?" I am going to give up on this whole punk rock thing. Damn you Boulevard of Broken Dreams, damn you...

Ok, I am done ranting. Cue lights...

1. I Am The Avalanche

Ever heard of The Movielife? I figured not. Anyway, they were good, but they broke up. Their lead singer started this band. Think The Used meets Glassjaw meets present day Brand New. They signed to Drive-Through records recently and will be putting out their first effort sometime soon. Listen...

2. I Hate Kate

Ever heard of Zebrahead? I figured not. Anyway, they were good but they broke up. Their lead singer started this band (seeing a pattern yet?) Think the Killers meets The Strokes but better, and a little more rock oriented. Since a lot of bands are going for this 80's synth-rock sound they should be big; they are the best I've heard in the genre so far. Listen...

and my longshot for stardom is:

3.) Fingers cut Megamachine

Ever heard of Osker? No? Man, you're missing out. Anyway, they were good but they broke up. Their lead singer started this band. He was punk, now he's folk. Is this possible? Hell yeah it is! Johnny Cash was punk before its time. The man played live in a prison, recorded it, and released it as an album. For folk rock, FCM comes off as pretty original and fresh. Listen...

Enjoy!

The Love Doctor

2005-02-14T12:13:00.000-05:00

		I get bored around here. Monday, no class, rain. What is a boy to do besides go to http://www.lovecalculator.com/? I spent some quality time with the Doc, gushing to her about all my secret crushes, and asking if they were possibilities or just far-fetched aspirations. Below you will find their names and the chance I have of, well, bedding them. Brody Dalle -- 86% Beyonce -- 68% Stacey's Mom -- 46% Dr. Love -- 65% Jennifer Tilly -- 46% Juliya -- 87% That One Chic I Met At Waldo's Four Weeks Ago But Never Got Her Number -- 0% Myself -- 12 % Jenny McCarthy -- 91 % Lamp -- 87% Hmm, I don't know if I trust this chic, I better spend a few more hours testing her reliability. Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Want your name here? Post a comment, leave name, I will talk to the doc and see if we should be "crazy in love."

Home Sweet Home

2005-02-10T13:58:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, my parents informed me they were going to sell our house, the one I've lived in my entire life, and move to Diamondale. My sister e-mailed me the other day and said mom needed her to "gather everything she wanted brought to the new house." So I started envisioning my room and what I would take. I would want my autographed Michael Jordan basketball, and all other memorabilia. Baseball cards, comics, old books, my stereo. But these are just things, right?

I wasn't going to be able to bring the stairway to my room with all the pictures of me and my sis growing up, older and older with each step towards the top. I couldn't really bring the jakuzi in my bathroom that, by the time it filled up full enough to activate the jets, started to spew cold water instead of warm. The view out of the window above the kitchen sink, where you can see for what seems like miles across the desolate, rural surroundings, or spy on my dog who was usually tied up and playing blissfully with the barn cat that's been around since I can remember. Shit, I wasn't going to be able to bring the cat either. The pool my sister and I begged my mom to get was out of the question. I couldn't bring the barns I played hide and seek in, or the basketball court my father made for his "favorite son." The large oak tree out front, that our farm was named after? That wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going to be able to bring along my roof, which was easily accessible from my bedroom window, and hosted quite a few great nights of smoking cigarettes and pot with friends, sharing stories, dreaming, smiling, laughing; once in awhile I would have a girl over, and we would sit there, quietly to not wake my parents and we would watch cars pass, and stars fall, and If I was lucky, we might even share a cliche story-book kiss. Nope, I really couldn't bring any of that stuff.

My dad pretty much lived in our house for most of his adult life also, and invested an immeasurable amount of time, money, and love into the place. We're a lot alike, my father and I. We're both very independent and seemingly "tough" on the outside, but love nothing more than the familiarity of certain people, places, and possessions, as much as we'd never want to admit it. We don't talk as much as we should for certain reasons, and never really have. But we have an indescribable understanding of each other although its not spoken, and the older I get, the closer we've become.

The same goes for my sister and mother, whom I never really spent any quality time with while growing up, because I was "Mr. Independent," too busy and important for silly things like love and a family. Lately my sister and I have been talking regularly, even though she lives in Chicago. My mom and I do the same, often just calling each other to chat about our days and upcoming plans. The best thing is that minus a few setbacks in other aspects of my life, I can honestly say I've never been happier. I may be losing my house, but I am gaining so much more.

I'm gaining a family. A family that any irreverent, thick-headed boy, who is finally starting to grow up, would be more than lucky to call his own.

Note To Self: Learn to dance!

2005-02-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

Last night, house party, kegs... Grand Rapids Rampage Dance Team? Oh yes.

In addition to the ridiculous amount of pretty ladies at the party getting freaky on the dance floor/living room/random tables and counters, there was a professionally hot arena football team's dance squad there. And they were drinking fifths, straight. Let's just say I was in love and knew I was going to do nothing about it, no matter how flirty (very) or touchy (extremely) they were. Why? Because I'm a 22 year old white male, and I listen to Rancid, which means I don't dance, at least at parties or bars in front of a lot of people, with girls that make me wish I was wearing bigger pants, and a longer t-shirt.

I've tried to understand this whole dancing thing. I've watched countless hours of BET, I've listened to their instructional-esque hits that tell me to "drop it like its hot," to "shake my ass, watch myself, and to do it again as if I'm showing them what I'm working with," and even to "Dip it low, pick it up slow, roll it all around and poke it out like my back is broke," but they just leave me more confused and frustrated. And when the party starts turning into a pants-on orgy, you need to be prepared.

So I need help, I need rhythm, and most importantly I need a Grand Rapids Rampage Dance Team hottie. This sounds like the perfect scenario for an MTV Made episode. Don't you think so, MTV Head Honchos?

I'll be waiting by the phone, watching my Usher DVD.

Holla...

That's Cool With Me, It's Not My Favorite, But I'll Do It For You

2005-02-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

Everybody talks about how much they love sex and how great sex is, and I agree, it's pretty cool. But you never hear guys complain about sex eventhough girls are notorious for bashing us when it comes to the bedroom. So, to keep it fair, here's my raunchy rebuttle, in list form.

Insincere Compliments

Ladies, please, say it if you mean it. This includes faking orgasms. The last thing I want a girl to do in bed is sit there bored, acting like she's having a great time. Am I doing something wrong? Tell me, I will fix it. That's what relationships are all about, honest communication. Besides, if you stroked my **** as well as you stroked my ego, I'd be a lot more likely to pay attention to your wants and needs.

B-Low Average

Ok, I'm just going to come right out and say this. I've NEVER, EVER, gotten off from oral sex. Is this normal? For some reason I think not. Maybe I have just been unlucky? I may not have the swiftest tongue in the Mid-West, but at least I have succeeded a few times at providing this favor of which I have never gotten in return. This is a problem that needs to be fixed.

Stupid R&B Songs

I guess this isn't really "your fault" per say, but these songs have to go. They make every guy out to be a sufferer of pre-mature ejaculation. Lines like "I don't want no minute man," sound cool to girls out at the club, but the truth is, they don't want a 30 min man either. The problem is they want us to be perfect, and it's just not going to happen. Hey Missy, I've got a song idea for you. It goes something like "I made jokes about my man's performance, so he banged me for an hour straight. I woke up with a bladder infection and feeling like I took a transcontinental horseback ride." It doesn't rhyme, but these days it doesn't have to.

Alcohol

Please don't take me out to the bar and let me drink 8 pints of Guinness in between Yager Bombs. Why? Because I'm a male, and this will make me really horny, but worthless in bed. Unfortunately alcohol does not let me learn this lesson, it only lets me do it over and over again. So if you don't want to end up like the girl in my Missy Elliot song, keep me away from the booze when you're in the mood. Or just tie me up and invite one of your friends over? Either will suffice.

Laziness

Sex is like dancing, both people involved must move for it to work. So don't just lie there and moan like a wilderbeast, they make dolls that do that now. Plus, missionary is the worst position for you to get off during anyway. So here's the test, you get on top hunny, do it how you want. Slow, fast, oops too fast, i'm done. Sorry, you shouldn't have fucked me so hard.

Not Getting Enough

Alright ladies, you win, I will stop bitching now.

Blowing Smoke

2005-02-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

Thirteen days, still going strong... I've even boozed a few times and haven't smoked a single cigarette. I like these odds. After all, smoking sucks, and it's just not that attractive. Nobody WANTS to smoke; ok maybe Andrew Dice Clay, but nobody else. Smoking is one of those things you just sort of fall into when you're a naive teenager (like love). It seems pretty cool in the beginning, but it ends up fucking with your heart, and you swear you'll never do it again. Then a few bypasses/trips to deja-vu later, you're back at both. But I am going to be the exception. I don't care if it takes nicorette gum of big-league chew proportions. I don't care if I end up wearing so many patches simultaneously that I look like a mummy. I am going to quit smoking for good!

Got a light?

Blah Blah Blog

2005-02-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

Groundhog Day is tomorrow, hooray! The perfect way to kick of my least favorite month of the year, February. With stupid holiday's (like this one), shitty weather, and that whole leap year thing, I feel like hibernating until March, and waking up in time for the NCAA tournament. Twenty eight days February? Is that all you got? That's what I thought...

Hopefully this year the groundhog doesn't see his shadow and we get an early spring! Oh, wait, it's a fucking groundhog, what the hell does he know? I feel sorry for Bill Murry.

That is all...

Heinz Sight Is Pretty Funny

2005-01-30T14:56:00.000-05:00

I made french fries today. So of course I needed the standard Ketchup accompaniment. When I took out the bottle I noticed the label said "Burger-licious." Then at Meijer later I saw more bottles with different slogans such as "Goes With Everything" and "Hides Grill Marks." I laughed a little on the inside, but these slogans left me wanting more, so I came up with my own. Maybe someone from Heinz will see this and give me money, or free Ketchup. So without further delay here they are:

"Makes Great Fake Blood"

"Hot Dogs Look Like Penises"

"In Mississippi They Put Me On Steaks"

"Stains Like A Bitch"

"I Want To Be On You"

"Who the Fuck Uses Hunt's?"

"Let's Kill The Asshole That Thought It Would Be Cool To Make Me Green"

"Let's Also Kill The Asshole That Continually Spells Me C-A-T-S-U-P"

"If Mustard Was A Chic I Would Totally Do Him"

"My Tomatoes Don't Dance, They Just Pull Up Their Pants, And Lean Back"

Got any ideas? Let me know. I will split all profits down the middle.

The Ashley Simpson Show -- Season 2 Episode 1

2005-01-28T18:12:00.000-05:00

Season two kicked off in excellent fashion with Ashley moving into her own house! Her hottie boyfriend Ryan Cabrera made a cameo to help ease the process. I know you may be thinking "Didn't they break up," or "aren't they just like best friends and stuff?" But you would be thinking wrong. After a short breakup at the end of the summer, they worked everything out and started dating again in the fall. I'm, like, sooooooo happy for them!

Later Ashley got a phone call from her assistant saying that she was photographed with a guy friend while she was shopping and the picture was going to appear in US Weekly. The paparazzi is sooooooo lame, why can't they leave that poor girl alone, she's just a normal teenager with millions of dollars trying to live her life. I mean, "if they want her autobiography, why don't they just ask her?"

Next, she was off to a photo shoot for Allure Magazine. Two words: that's hot!

With SNL just around the corner, Ashley and her crew went out to NYC and prepared for the show. Ashley went to rehearsal the day before and she nailed it! What a star! They went out that night to celebrate her upcoming appearance and hit the hay early.

That morning when Ashley awoke she was a little raspy, and starting to get worried. As the day progressed, her voice got more and more hoarse. At sound check she wasn't able to get through her hit song "Pieces of Me." I was totally bummed! Ashley was way upset and for good reason! I mean, the show was in a matter of hours, what was she going to do? Tune into MTV this Wednesday at 10:30 to find out!

You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to...Facebook...

2005-01-28T14:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Everyone,

I'll admit it, I'm addicted.

For those of you who are in the dark, facebook is an online collegian meeting place of sorts. You create a profile that lets people know who you are, what you like, etc, and then people you know and like, or think you would like, are added to your "friend" list. Some people have 100's of friends, some people have 5 (me). But the great thing is that its easy to find people with similar interests without having to actually bump into them on campus. You can, for instance, search for people by typing in "rock and roll" or "beer" and everyone who likes those things will appear on your computer screen.

So, the other day, I typed in three fields: 1) Women 2) interested in men 3) dating. Over five hundred results came back. I was shocked. If there are this many girls looking to go on dates, then why the hell am I still sitting with my roommate at Waldo's on Thursday night drinking cheap rum from a pitcher? Maybe this whole meeting over the Internet thing creeps girls out? I guess it creeps me out a little. But it's nice for shy guys who would probably be the last person in the bar to make an advance -- http://joncallender.blogspot.com/2005/01/mulatto-albino-mosquito-my-libido.html

Talking over a computer and then meeting up somewhere seems a little nerve-racking. At least it's not a blind date though. Luckily, these profiles have pictures of their owners, ruling out the whole 6'4", uni-brow, large club in one hand, ex-boyfriend's testicles in the other, land-monster thing. So what would we do once we met? Well, we could talk for starters, grab some food, catch a movie, have a glass of wine (the kind from the box if you're lucky :-) or just cuddle on my futon with a comfy blanket while we watch Family Guy re-runs.

Don't be "scurred" ladies,

~~Seacrest Out~~

11 Things You Should Say To Me If You Think I Am Starting To Think That I Am "Too Cool" (followed by my pathetic come backs)

2005-01-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

1. Well, at least you think you're funny. (haha)

2. Punk's dead, get over it. (you're dead...)

3. I thought you said it was big? (it looks big from up close)

4. Goodwill is for poor people. (whatever)

5. Arn't your t-shirts a little too small for you? ( I accidently ordered the wrong size, everytime...)

6. Nice car, did daddy buy that for you? (no, mommy did)

7. You're hot! If you're going for that whole "Howdy Doody" thing. (so you're saying I'm going to be famous?)

8. Emily Taylor. (ok, now you're crossing the line)

9. Dude, your middle name is Paul. (yeah, well your middle name is asshole!)

10. Wine's for pussies, and so is poetry, cuddling, golf, and Real World. (I hate you!)

11. Your mom goes to college... (alright, now you're just quoting Napolean Dynamite)

Viva La Vices

2005-01-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

Six days ago I decided to simultaneously quit three of the four things I have been told were "vices" of mine by an ex-girly. What are they you may ask? Well, I'll leave that up to you, let's just say that:

(Vice 1) My 9am class has become way too easy to fall asleep in.

(Vice 2) Everytime I drive in my car, eat a big meal, or go to the bar, I feel like something's missing.

(Vice 3) Family Guy is still funny, but not as funny as it used to be. Plus, now I have a shitload of incense (which that same ex-girly got me for Christmas, how ironic) that I have really no use for.

Now, if I could only drag my sorry ass to the gym once in awhile... eh, I'll wait until next week.

Women And Their Silly Vaginas...

2005-01-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

While walking around campus the other day I noticed a flyer advertising a showing of "The Vagina Monologues," I was a little confused, a little turned on, and very interested in just what the hell this whole thing was. When I got home I googled it and read some FAQ's. I learned that it's a drama/comedy play addressing violence against women. The creator, Eva Ensler, conveys to her female audience that by getting in touch with their vaginas (insert joke, or whatever else she asks for here) they can become sexually empowered, which will lead to a reduction in violence, self-deprecation, rape, etc. Oh, now I get it, I think...

Ensler was asked how her monologues have helped her life. She had this to say, "Doing this piece has completely changed my relationship with my vagina. I feel, for example, that I'm inside my vagina for the first time in my life."

Rock on Eva, I vividly remember the first time that I was inside a vagina, and it most certainly changed my life.

Zithromax, The "Shittiest" Antibiotic I've Ever Taken

2005-01-24T18:02:00.000-05:00

Last week I was fortunate enough to contract bronchitus, so my loving mother sent me some Zithromax, a rather new antibiotic that in only three days (one pill per day) rids ya' of what ails ya'. When I received the package I flipped through it, looking for any possible side effects. The package states:

"The most common side effects of Zithromax are diarrhea (4-5%), stomach pain (2-3%), and nausea (3%)."

Optismistically I swallowed the first day's pill and eagerly awaited the coming days of good health. Unexpectedly, over the next two hours, I experienced the first two side effects rather vigorously. Even though the chances were minute, as of late nothing can seem to overcome my "shitty" luck. I should have taken this impressive defiance of odds to Vegas, and crapped out the respectable way, with a free dry Martini and an Elvis-themed rent-a-wife marriage.

If this keeps up, by the end of the night I might be 3 for 3 (blows on dice) Nausea here we come, Pappa needs a new pair of Hanes!

A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido...

2005-01-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

I'm 22 years old now, and my sex drive is letting me know. I wake up and fall asleep at night thinking about it, and in between I think about it more. Music makes me think about it, the television makes me think about it, and the ridiculous amount of pretty girls on this campus make me think about it. Now from hearing this you may think I am some kind of sick, twisted pervert who's taken five breaks from typing this very post to relieve himself. You may think that I would go out to bars five times a week and look for random hook ups/conquests. Suprisingly, that couldn't be any further from the truth. In reality, I am a shy, timid boy, who would rather let Sugar Ray Leonard speedbox my scrotum than make some kind of advance on a pretty lady. Even when I hang out with a girl a lot and feel as if she finds me attractive, and wants something to happen between us, I am just too much of a wimp to make the first move. A girl would basically have to tie me up and strip me naked for me to think it would be ok to touch her in a promiscuous way.

Which makes me think of the two sexual relationships I've had in the last four years, and what led up to the first time we did the "nasty."

Girl 1 Freshman Year Of College: met at a party, talked for a few hours, started kissing. Went back to dorm and kept kissing. At this point I was fine with kissing until I fell asleep because I kept hearing that pesky voice saying "Jon, if you go for it and she bails, how awkward is that?" Kept kissing... I would say around the two hour mark of making out she got a little impatient and in between lip locks unexpectedly said, "Do you want to f--- me?" Wow, you just can't say no to that.

Girl 2 End Of Summer Before Sophomore Year: met at work, had crush on her forever, never made a move of course, saw her at a party, hit it off, decided to hang out soon. This scenario is much like the last except I had a little more confidence this time. She came over and we watched a movie or something standard. We started kissing this time with a little "heavy petting." Probably went on for an hour or so. Again, I was ok with this going on until I fell asleep, but luckily, girl stops in between lip locks and says, "I don't want this to sound bad, but I don't mind rushing into the physical things." Well then, I guess I don't either :)

The moral of this story is, if you're a chic and you like me, make out with me, and then use a creative phrase or suggestion to let me know that it's "go time."

Song of the Moment -- anything by R. Kelly

Rock Out With My Blog Out

2005-01-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

So last night went great! Saw my friend Jake's band play one of the best shows I've ever seen them play, I think they get a little better every time. I also got to see a band named Murder By Death who were really cool. The name is misleading though, they are not a harcore metal band or anything. They are very unique and the best way I could sum up there sound would be like a folk/goth combination. Their music reminds me of a movie score to a dark western movie, think the plot of "From Dusk Till Dawn" in song form. They had a female cello player who was gorgeous and extremely talented, she rocked out harder on that cello that the guys did on their guitars. I don't know if I could listen to their album that often, but they were a captivating live band. There was a large turnout despite the bad weather and it seemed like the crowd was into all the bands. My friend Lauren had to much to drink again, but I forgive her :)

There were also alot of cute punk rocker chics there, one I noticed who rides the bus to class, but I think she has a boyfriend. Oh well...

Today is my sister's b-day, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE, I love ya!

P.S. You're probably thinking, wow the title of this post is corny, but don't you worry, I have a whole head full of blog puns that will hopefully get progressively worse.

Glory Days

2005-01-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

Me and My Old Band Forty Yard Fakeout Rocking the Club Soda in Kalamazoo, MI.

Nothing Cold Should Stay

2005-01-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

Well I didn't end up falling asleep until probably around 4am last night, no big deal, until I woke up at 9 and couldn't fall back asleep. This whole "cold" thing is getting old quite fast.

Tonight is the night I officially celebrate my birthday, which at 22, is like waking up every morning celebrating not wetting the bed. I do get a chance to have a large group of people I know around though (home friends, school friends, family, friends of friends) You may be thinking, "wow this kid has a lot of friends," but if you add those diverse groups up you get something like 4, I think. We're going to Club Soda which is a dive bar/concert venue to see the band Mulligan release their new cd "The Tides of Black Heart Bay." Star tattoos and thick black rimmed glasses will be plentiful I have a feeling. I know the lead singer because he is a friend of my ex's, who will be there with her new 25 year old boyfriend. But I guess I can't blame her for wanting a Sugar Daddy, if I was a chic I would probably do the same. See kiddies, money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy you a younger woman. Luckily, with a good mix of familiar faces, booze, and loud music, I will be able to avoid that situation like the plague.

It's winter in Kalamazoo, MI, and that means lake effect snow, which we're getting a shit load of right now. I think it started last night around midnight and isn't suppose to stop until 6pm today. Therefore becoming 8 more inches of white annoyance that won't melt for 2 more months.

Dear Global Warming,

If you are real, hurry the hell up already...

Song of the Moment -- Millencolin "Twenty Two"

Bummerton

2005-01-21T19:57:00.000-05:00

It's never fun to part ways with someone you have been with for a substantial amount of time. Especially when she rebounds more efficiently than Ben Wallace. On the other hand, I feel that 90% of the reason I miss her is because I am jealous. Plus, when I look back on pre-break up times, I'm pretty sure I was getting bored with her, but who knows? I'm writing some awesome songs though. If I could only sing like Vinnie Caruana, I'd be going places. Alas, everyday I feel better and sooner or later I am going to meet the girl I was meant to be with, and all the things I learned from the last relationship will prepare me for her. I've learned alot of things about life lately and about myself and it's refreshing to realize how much progress I am making...

I've been listening to a lot of music recently, not that I don't anyway. I have listened to Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon" album everyday for over a week now. It's so fucking good, it's like they read my mind. That and The Movielife's "Forty Hour Train Back To Penn" Buy them, and thank me for it later.

Song of the Moment -- Brand New "Seventy Times Seven"

Happy Birthday To Me

2005-01-21T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well I have decided to get myself a blog for my birthday, how exciting! Maybe next year I will get a pocket proctector and turtle-neck sweater. One can only dream...

Song of the Moment -- All "Can't Say"